How To Be Swell (Female Edition)

1. Other girls are bitches. Cut them!
2. Get a haircut. You look like a girl!
3. It is perfectly okay to be rude to boys. They are picturing you nakers, anyway.
4. Develop a sense of irony about everything but yourself. Sure, you may be wearing the hideous abortions of a bygone era, but you look damn fine doing it!
5. Pretend to care about music. Practice saying “Stephen Malkmus is brilliant, but Pavement is overrated,” and “I hate those whiny emo bitches,” until the mirror stops laughing at you.
6. Cheap beer is way better than actual beer. It might taste like a diuretic lumberjack pissed it out, but it’s low in carbs. Remember: you’re not a tightwad, you’re “hardcore”.
7. Laugh vapidly. You may find this difficult, for example if you are talking about something sad like Jordis getting kicked off Rockstar INXS or genocide, but think of the filthy, unfunny comedy of Buddy Hackett and you’re on your way!
8. Governments and the fiscal-political combine are bitches. Your parents’s money and the tolerance of an apathetic society allow you to pretend to be a militant anarchist. Plus, boys think girls who care about Ghana are way sexy!
9. The easiest way to keep a boy is to kill him. Keep him in the freezer and he’ll be yours forever. Make sure you leave room for your roommate’s ice cream! That bitch is just looking for an excuse to cut you.
10. Thrift stores are nice enough, but those bitches working the counters love to cut you with quote sales tax unquote. Army Surplus is your new best friend! Don’t flirt with Vietnam Vinnie as he’s ringing up your purchase, though: he might give you a nice discount, but he’s been emotionally fragile ever since he was ordered to pick off the survivors of a napalm strike. The half-melted, wailing faces of the children he killed haunt his dreams, and you’re going to look an awful lot like his C.O. when he wakes up at 4 in the morning. No discount is worth that!