1. Get a haircut. You look like a girl!
2. Press your slacks. Or, hey, timesaver — pleated slacks!
3. Glasses make the man. You want big, chunky glasses, to let the ladies know you’re loaded for bear.
4. Economy over style. You can’t afford to shop at any place with a name. Look for a painted-over sign — you’re in business now!
5. Food is for the week. Weekends are for alcohol!
6. Learn to like country music. Practice standing in front of a mirror, saying, “I am a man who likes country music. A country music fan.” Say, “Yee-ha!” a couple of times until you no longer want to hit yourself.
7. Girls can sense arousal. Hide your feelings! A gaggle of girls has been known to strip a man to the bone in well under a minute — and not in a sexy way, either. Punch yourself in the arm if you feel those thoughts coming on. Remember: unwarranted arousal = vicious beating.
8. Kill a man in Reno. There are lots of them. One won’t be missed!
9. Avoid eye contact… but don’t be obvious about it! Easy mistakes: staring at her breasts, staring at her left ear, closing your eyes. That makes you look like a serial killer! Instead, just let your eyes go out of focus. She’s not saying anything interesting, anyway.
10. Stop skinning people and making clothes out of their flesh. Sure, skin’s durable and water-resistant, but you’re driving people away. No one likes a man in homemade clothes!
Go get ’em, tiger!