There’s them that blame it on all the lead in the gas thirty, forty years ago, which frankly Tits finds kind of offensive. She growls just thinking about it, and a column of air goes bubbling up past her mask in disdain. What did they know, anyway? Scientists. She was a fucking god of war emerged naked from the untouched rock, and that was all there was to it.

The water is killing cold but the wet suit does what it is goddamned supposed to do so she’s mostly aware of how cold Byron must be, assuming through some miracle the bottomfeeders have left him enough meat to feel anything with. Byron hated the cold; just the thought of how much he’d bitch warmed the very cockles of her heart.

There’s a ladder hanging off the back of the yacht like there ain’t any kind of worry to have. She lets the Sound take the belt and the tank and she swarms over the side like hell itself kicking down the door. None of Lefty Frizelle’s girls are sober enough to spot her until she’s harpooned Lefty off the roof of the conning tower, all teeth and blood and a giant fuckoff spear.

“Swim for it, you white-legs,” she tells what’s left, “I got what I came for.”

“Christ, Tits, have a heart,” says one, “that’s five fuckin’ miles.” It might have been Peaches Rodriguez before the second harpoon carries her out into the bay. The rest go piling into the water willingly enough; she only has to harpoon two more.

She lets the boat drift along beside them until the cold pulls them all down to keep Byron company, which is just perfect. He’d never cared much for women; just one more thing to bitch about.

And when she was old and full of sleep she looked up to find her death peering in the window. The shock of it — that fleshless face! those cobwebbed eyes! — ran through her like power lines, like turbines, like water breaking against the dam.

“I have known you,” she said.

“Yes,” said her death, “but will you know me yet again?”

“Always,” she vowed, “always and forever,” and her death gave that half-forgotten sclerotic chuckle and was gone. She took her rifle down from above the door, cleaned and oiled it, hands slow but gaining, and set out to track her down.

For a year and a day she hunted her death through the alleys and the plazas of the city that had once been hers. Broke old friends, old promises, new kneecaps. The old flash was gone, but not the blade; she drew maps in blood on the undersides of tables in rotting bars, traced the letters of an unsayable name among the spindle-legged cranes of the harborside.

Her death was wily, old and clever.

She ran her death to ground at last, pinned her to earth between her shadow and her hair. “Found you,” she growled, knobby finger gentle on the trigger. “When you get to hell, you tell ’em Tits Akimbo sent you.”

“Always and forever,” said her death, and laughs again.

“The fuck you say,” she said, and cored the middle of her empty head open with one beautiful perfect shot. “I’m an almighty god of death.”

For the most part she’s a specter, a bedtime story the gangs tell themselves to keep shit level but every so often somebody remembers that she’s meat like anyone else and then Tits Akimbo has to remind these jokers how shit gets DONE.

“I ain’t scared of you, Tits,” sneers the latest chucklehead, some hardfaced dropout from Japan. “I’m gonna leave you in so many pieces they’ll have to bury you in a tea strainer.”

“You sweet-talker, you,” grins Tits, and spits the cherry end of the joint out on the floor. A circle opens up in the crowd and the whole bar goes silent except for the yowling of the cats in the pit. “Let’s see what you learned in prep school.”

It doesn’t take very long. She’s a fucking ARTISAN with that knife. She wipes the blade clean on the wreckage before turning back to the fight. Someone else will clean up the mess, and she’s got money riding on the mean tabby. She doesn’t have to pay for a drink the whole rest of the night, though it’s not like she was planning to, anyway.

Some times it’s better to take the lumps and do your time. It’s some community service bullshit is what it is—they don’t dare touch her for anything major, but everybody gets a good yuk out of Tits Akimbo getting dinged on a noise violation.

“Who the hell is this,” drawls one of the punks to the open air. He’s got his feet up on the back of the chair she’ll be kicking out from underneath him later.

“New coach,” says the one that’s obviously the leader, all stupid hat and white undershirt. “Some community service bullshit is what this is.” Everybody groans. “Look, lady—”

“Tits,” Tits cracks.

“—uh, Tits,” she continues, momentarily thrown, “the Big Dance Off is coming up and we don’t got time to bring you up to speed. You stay outta our way, we’ll stay outta your hair. Everybody goes home happy—”

“Oh, holy balls, it’s Tits Akimbo,” screams one of them, and there’s instant dead silence.

“Oh, yes,” Tits purrs. “I don’t know jack about dancing, but I know all about winning, and we, my motley crew, are going to win.”

It’s been a good year, a damn good year, and Tits Akimbo almost hates to spoil the wow finish with housekeeping, but she ain’t gonna stand by and let anybody get away with this triflin’ bullshit. It’s the principle of the thing.

“No hard feelings,” she tells the guy in the safe. “Not after this, you hear?”

His eyes are huge, huge and white. He moans something that might have been an apology around the mouthful of bloody bills.

“Damn straight,” she says, and grins. She’s got her back to the streetlight, so he won’t be able to see much, maybe just the glint of her teeth, but that’s all right. She snaps the door closed and spins the lock. She’s already dialing, phone in the crook of her shoulder as she backs the car up into the safe.

“Who is this?” says a muffled voice on the end; Quarter-Mouth Larry.

“Shut the fuck up, you cold sack of shit,” she purrs. “One of your stooges is–” the bumper knocks the safe over and down. It’s a godawful racket. “–at the bottom of San Lorenzo hill. There’s about thirty minutes of air in the safe, so hustle.”

“The fuck you–“

“Kid, I hear you let him die, it won’t be five grand I stuff down that ruin you call a throat.” She hangs up before he can say anything else. Bam.