Herakles, Son of Alcmene, Slayer of the Nemean Lion and the Hydra, Mighty Among Men

Aw, jeez, this guy. Let me tell you about this guy. Dude was in it from the get-go, only you can’t say he didn’t get a lot of sweet to go with the sour. Born a prince, right, and (if you believe it) also the son of a bigger guy, which, like, right. We should all be so doomed. But, anyway, you know how it is in these blended families, it’s always kind of a work in progress, so one of the dads always gave him the side-eye and one of the moms, well, she had it out for him from the word one. But either way, he wasn’t missing out on people tellin’ him he was the biggest thing to hit the cradle since Mesopotamia, you know? Like, even the parents that didn’t like him, some kids it’d shrivel up, but not him. Just one more thing to talk about.

Hell, here we are, you listening, me talking. So there you go.

Anyway, this guy, this friggin’ guy, he grows up rich, cute, and strong, and that ain’t the best recipe for a properly-proportioned melon. So he’s generous and he’s funny, sure enough, but then he’s mean, too. And angry? This guy is angry when he runs up against it, whatever it is. So he beats the livin’ tar out of the poor assholes Ma and Pa the Queen and King have hired to chisel away at that lump of calcified meat he hauls around between his shoulders, and then eventually he gets old enough and married and hooo boy. Maybe it’s different for the rich, but down here in the muck? Well, you wouldn’t want your kid to hook up with him, is all I’m saying, unless of course you don’t mind the odd broken nose or bruised up kidney. Some don’t, though, and like I said, rich and cute etcetera, so.

Anyway anyway. Eventually he just pops, wrings the darlin’ necks of his lovin’ wife and his gentle babes, and them no more than three and five. This ain’t what you’d call a state secret, either, on accounta it just adds to the legend. So they schlep him off to his cousin, who’s like this other king a few countries over, and he’s a major asshole but no dummy, so King Coz doesn’t want him around either, because these guys never pop just the once, you know? So he keeps comin’ up with impossible stuff for him to do to keep him a ways away from the Coz, only this guy keeps comin’ back, all bloody and whistlin’, all, that was fun, what else you got that needs doin’? So the poor asshole doesn’t get a lick of sleep the whole five years he’s technically in charge of him.

All works out in the end, I guess, sort of. Like, he comes out smellin’ rose-like, and it’s King Coz who goes down as the major league asshole. This guy, man, this guy.