- Never make eye contact with your reflection. That shows weakness! Never show weakness.
- Showering is a wonderful thing, but it wastes so much water! Wait until your roommate takes a shower, then casually pop in. They’ve probably been socialized not to say anything!
- Shave sometimes, but stop when you see bone. Remember, no one likes the sweet perfume of blood, regardless of what your parents told you.
- Soap is great for removing dirt and grime and the persistent nagging odors of filth and decay. All that blood was attracting more flies than hotties, anyway.
- Remember, recycle your shower water into the toilet, not the other way ’round. Use this simple mnemonic: Wash and then flush, you’ll have a cute crush; flush and then wash, what the hell is wrong with you?
- Brush your teeth. Now do it again. Again! Those are awful shards of living bone jutting through the soft pink meat of your gums. You can never be too clean.
- Your hair is a soft, luxurious carpet, worth more than rubies, dearer than gold. Your life is meaningless without it, so make sure to comb it regularly.
- Keep your nails trimmed, unless you play the guitar or can’t afford a corkscrew. People will understand!
- Sometimes you might want to feel fancy, by applying scent or wearing makeup. That’s great! Only use a little, though, so people can tell who you are and don’t go into night panics and beat themselves to death against the bars of the cage.
- Look at other people, and then do what they do. You only have to be as clean as everyone else.