It’s been a long day, and frankly, you’re tired. All you want to do is crawl into a hot bath with a copy of Thomas Mann’s Magic Mountain, but as soon as you walk in the door your partner is all over you, rubbing their face on yours in a gesture of amorous affection, pushing one hand into your hair, breathing heavily in your ear.

By all of these gestures you intuit that your partner is suffering from a surfeit of sexual energy, and would appreciate a moment of affection, bonding and mutual fluid exchange.

“Dear,” you state while your partner rubs dried rose petals in your hair. The scent of attar increases your stress headache. You take their face in your hand and press your foreheads together in a cruel mockery of a kiss. “I love you so much,” you explain.

Your partner fails to intuit that this means that your love will have to take the place of consensual sex play tonight. Hilarity ensues!