Flagstaff, AZ — The fairies at the bottom of Ms. Irma Pensdottle’s garden, long-famed for their wish-granting and child-snatching, are totally fraudulent, according to Ms. Pensdottle.
“They’ve been renting my garden for going on twenty years now,” said Ms. Pensdottle, head of A Flagstaff For Flagstaff. “Always kept to themselves, always paid the rent on time. Never missed a month by so much as a day in twenty years.”
Tempers flared in the Pensdottle garden following the fairies’s refusal to take David Pensdottle, Ms. Pensdottle’s thirty-year-old son, who has been living in his mother’s basement for the past three years. The fairies claim that their charter only extends to the stealing of youthful offspring, and that the balding, diabetic, and unemployed Mr. Pensdottle is well into his 96th trimester. Ms. Pensdottle asserts that nowhere in the contract signed by both her and the fairies does it mention the age of the child at the time of abduction.
“Right there in black and white,” said Ms. Pensdottle. “In exchange for services rendered, the fairies agree to take the first-born son — that’s David — of the undersigned — that’s me.” Ms. Pensdottle declined to specify the nature of the services rendered. The fairies do not deny the wording of the contract, but allege they were misled by Ms. Pensdottle’s youthful appearance and unwed state, and that they believed Mr. Pensdottle to be her younger brother.
Mr. Pensdottle denied the existence of the fairies. “The belief in fairies is a remnant of a once wide-spread pan-European witch-cult,” he said. “My mother has the occasional brainstorm, but she’s harmless.” Mr. Pensdottle is an avid model train collector and has doctorates in the fields of engineering and mathematics.
No comment from the fairies has been forthcoming regarding the existence or non-existence of Mr. Pensdottle.