The Breasts Grant An Interview

for Amy, who inspired it.

[Scattered applause. KEN bounds on to the stage with his trademark enthusiasm]

KEN: And welcome back to Celebrity Profile! Today we’re very pleased to have with us here in the studio those stars of everyone’s favorite movies; you’ve seen them on magazine covers, you’ve heard them on the radio, you’ve idolized them on the silver screen… today, for the first time, they speak! Ladies and gentlemen, viewers at home, let’s give a very warm Celebrity Profile welcome to… The Breasts!

[Wild applause. The BREASTS enter, stately and gravid, and bow modestly to the cheering crowd. They cross to Ken, who is visibly nervous. They murmur in his ear reassuringly. Looking much relieved, he leads them to the couches that sit at the back of the stage.]

KEN: Welcome, welcome, The Breasts, you’re looking lovelier in person than you do on the screen.

THE BREASTS: [laugh charmingly] Thank you!

K: I just saw your latest picture, Escape to Shanghai, and… I believe we have a clip? Yes, we have a clip. Set this clip up for us. In the movie you’re a —

TB: Anna Livia, an innocent young girl, caught in a web of international intrigue, on the run —

K: — on the run from the mob and Foreign Agents. Yes, beautiful. Very thrilling, very exciting stuff. So in this clip, you’ve just —

TB: We’ve just arrived in Shanghai with The Muscles.

K: The Muscles, right, your co-stars.

TB: We love The Muscles, love working with them. Such professionals. They’re FBI Agent Peter Fazackalee in this film, who’s been —

K: Wait, wait, wait, don’t spoil it! I think we’ve got enough for the clip. Roll it!

[The studio darkens, and the screen on the back wall flickers to life. The audience leans forward, breathlessly…]